I’m back after taking a long break from this space. I just needed a mental and emotional health break.

But I’m back to talk about what happened during my hiatus.

After my laparoscopy I fell into a rut because I was feeling hopeless and pretty much useless. I can’t understand this myself because my operation with Dra. Sua Lao was successful and I healed properly and well. Being on this IVF journey is excruciatingly lonely and has made me very insecure. All positive outlook of me becoming a mother went out the window and I was full of doubt and fear. I didn’t want to start another cycle because if the last one didn’t work..what will make it work this time?

It took me 1 year and 8 months to gather up the courage again which sounds weak and foolish because I’m already 36 years old but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

A couple weeks ago Andrew and I went to Taichung to visit Dr. Maw Sheng Lee at the Lee Women’s Hospital for a consultation. During the 2 days we were there we had to do fertility bloodwork, a hysteroscopy, a mammogram and trans V check up. The hospital there is like a very organized circus haha. So many patients, staff and doctors running around.

I was nervous about the hysteroscopy because I didn’t want another problem hindering this cycle. But thank God my results were good. The doctor actually said my uterus was “nice” haha

Anyways, after 2 days of tests we were finally given our medication for our IVF cycle!!!! I was so happy to given a big bag of medication and needles! I am doing a long protocol this time with birth control, aldactone and supremon in my first cycle then Gonal F ( 450 IU & 900 IU) and Menopur ( 225 IU ) in the next. So basically I am looking at being back in Taichung in November for retrieval and hopefully implantation.

I am still nervous. Scared. Pessimistic. Stressed. Angry. Sad. And lonely. But I feel less defeated. And I am learning to trust the process. I am trusting my new doctor and putting everything in His hands.

I am praying every single day. Not only for a successful IVF cycle and healthy eggs but for acceptance. I have so much anger and hurt inside of me that I can’t seem to let go off. But I am learning and trying my best to look forward. My new motto in life is to Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. 👍🏻

I was scheduled to have a laparoscopy on April 10, 2017. I’ve never had any type of surgery and I’ve never gone under. Actually I’ve never been confined at a hospital before so I was pretty much a nervous wreck the whole week leading up to the surgery. 

Andrew and I arrived at the hospital the night before  filled out all the necessary paperwork, and then were escorted up to our suite. I think we arrived in the room by 9pm and settled in very quickly. 

2 nurses came in to administer the enema. ( Sorry, don’t think about the enema ) and we were pretty much left alone until about 4am when nurses came in and out of my room to check my temperature, blood pressure and other last minute surgery details. 

For fun they also took Andrew’s blood pressure and it was through the roof! Awww poor bubz was probably really worried although you would have never guessed it because the man doesn’t show much (public) affection to me hahah. 

At around 5am I was whisked away on my hospital bed. I remember holding back tears as Andrew walked me down the hallway to the operating room. He looked so worried! 

When we arrived at the room, it was absolutely freezing! I moved to the operating table and the nurses strapped me down. After a few minutes the anesthesiologist came in and chatted me up for a few minutes. He asked what I did for a living and how I was doing. Pretty random if you ask me but I think he was trying to set a calm mood. He then sat beside me on a stool and started reading the newspaper lol. At this point I was cool as a cumumber. 

A few minutes pass and they put a breathing mask on my face, told me to take a deep breath, and then told me they were going to administer some drugs to put me under. I quicky said a prayer. The drugs worked perfectly because the next thing I remember is waking up in the post-op holding room. There was a huge clock and it was about 8:30 am. 

I was so groggy and freezing! When the nurse came and asked me how I was doing I told her I was cold and had to pee. Lol. I didn’t feel any pain but they probably pumped some nice drugs into me already. I kept fighting the urge to sleep ( the screaming lady next to me who had to be sedated helped wake me up) after about 20 minutes I was being wheeled into my room and Andrew was there greet me!  I was so emotional and fighting back tears again! 

My nurse told me she wants me to pee before noon but I was already up and ready to pee at around 10:00 am. I went to the bathroom without any assistance and did my business. The first few pees burned and there was blood but that’s normal so don’t be alarmed. 

I stayed at the hospital for another night and to be honest the pain was minimal. The incision wound was a but sore and my tummy was bloated. I was uncomfortable but nothing hurt majorly. 

The next day Dra. Sua Lao came in, checked my wounds and told me I was free to go home! I was so happy! I think I’ll write about my surgery tips and what I did before and after to make the whole ordeal bearable. 

3/17/2017

My first appointment with Dra. Sua Lao was a very eye opening one. I came to schedule a laparoscopy but I ended up with orders for a shitload of bloodtests. Enough to make anyone feel overwhelmed. She suspected that my “bad quality” eggs was the result of hormonal imbalance. So I had to get a prolactin level test, TSH, FSI, FT3 & FT4 among other tests. 

She also also told me to get my AMH (Anti-Mullerian Hormone) tested. AMH is a protein hormone produced by cells within the ovary. Understanding your AMH level can help to assess your ovarian egg reserve and therefore your fertility. 

3/28/2017

I got my test results and Almost every test was high 😦 Dra Sua Lao immediately told me to take action. She told me to lose some weight ( because being overweight can lead to my hormones being imbalnced. ) She also told me put me on Metformin and Eltroxin to control my high insulin blood sugar and overactive thyroid glands. 

Thankfully my AMH test came back normal. I was beginning to think I wasn’t gonna get any good news.

We also scheduled my laparoscopy on April 10, 2017. I’ve never had any surgery done before and I was soooo worried. I’ll write about my laparoscopy experience next time! 

March 14

Today was a checkup to monitor my follicles when suddenly Dra. Ong Jao called me in and said my progesterone level was high –meaning my egg retrieval was to be done NOW.  I was so shocked because just the other day she told me she’s targeting my OPU to be on the 16th. Everything was going so fast. Before I knew it Andrew was signing waiver forms and I was getting dressed to go to the operating theater. I’ve never even been near an operating room so you can imagine my anxiety. Things got pretty real when I saw the operating table, stirrups, bright ass lights, and monitors. Dra. Perillo was in scrubs so I couldn’t see her usual smiling face. Terrified as I was, I couldn’t help but feel excited because it’s one step closer to getting pregnant! 

The whole procedure took around 20 minutes. It’s basically a more invasive trans v procedure. A needle is passed through the top of the vagina to get to the ovary and follicles. The fluid in the follicles is aspirated through the needle and the eggs detach from the follicle wall and are sucked out of the ovary.  

I had 3 follicles that were the right size so I was poked three times which HURT like a motherfucker. But just for a second. The first one hurt the most because it was so unexpected. The second and third were more tolerable. My nurse Joanne was AMAZING. She helped calmed my nerves, gave me a stress ball and even held my hand. I would never forget the motherly care I got from her. I’m eternally grateful. 

After the procedure I was led to the recovery room to rest for 20 minutes. I didn’t feel too bad considering I just  had my ovaries poked by a needle three times! Just a little sore. I was back at the waiting room in Kato in a few minutes. 

Andrew and I had lunch and when we came back the embryologist ( forgot his name) called us in. He was straight to the point which to be honest hurt me a bit but that’s my issue and another post completely. He told us that 2 of my follicles were empty and the LONE egg they retrieved from me was immature. However, sometimes it is possible to have eggs mature in the lab (in vitro maturation) and then fertilize them. When I asked what are the chances of my egg maturing – he bluntly told me ” slim” 

Immediately my heart sank and I was angry at myself for being so naive and overly confident. I actually thought I was going to waltz out of there with perfect eggs. *sigh* 

Dra. Perillo talked to us next. She explained that since my progesterone hormone was high they had to trigger and retrieve my egg(s) but unfortunately these test can be inconsistent and advised me to take a 2 month break before coming back for cycle 2. I’m sure she explained everything more thoroughly but my mind at that moment was foggy and was not absorbing any information. My heart was breaking 😦 

March 15

After tossing and turning all night, I woke up at 5:30 am and couldn’t go back to sleep. My stomach is now bloated and I’m veryyyyyyyy gassy 😦 

I got the dreaded call from Kato at around 2:30pm. My little lone egg didn’t survive 😦 It degenerated. My potential child not even given a chance to live. 

I held back tears the whole day. 

March 16 

After talking to Andrew, my sisters, friends and mom I decided to take this 2 months to heal my body. I decided to get a laparoscopy on my blocked tubes. I didn’t want anything to interfere with my next cycle.

 I decided to be positve and not dwell on this failed cycle. I read somewhere that most IVF don’t work on the first try. 

I made a quick research to doctors whocan  perform my laparoscopy. And Dra Chaoling Sua Lao popped up. I went to see her the next day. 

This post is getting too long..will continue ..